I somehow found myself watching the ending of “The Bachelor” last night, even though I already knew the outcome. Without watching any of the previous shows during the season or knowing anything about anybody involved, I was still drawn to the show for one reason; our jaded, conditioned perception of what love & reality is all about. While I hope that the “happy” couple are able to embrace each other, partner with each other & find out what love is really about, at this point their just as dazed and confused as the many that are drawn to this show and others like it, each night. And while we get wrapped up in this vicious “love” triangle that ends The Bachelor each season, we’re giving access to networks & Hollywood into the gateway of our souls & mind and reality of what love is, as defined by Christ. We allow them the ability to shape and mold our belief system and not only ours, moms and dads, but our kids too. “Reality” TV gives us the picture that everything we get in life can be purchased with a feeling or a want. And the ultimate pursuit of man and woman’s desire to find true love is not simply accomplished by a feeling or a want. Love is a choice.
Someone asked me on my “love is a choice” comment, “But what about chemistry? You gotta have chemistry, right?” Let me address:
Chemistry is a fallacy through my understanding. If we want to address the physical attraction; typically that’s taken care of from the moment you meet. It’s the easiest bridge to cross. You know whether you’re attracted to someone or not from the moment you see them, it’s not a gradual pursuit. The other aspects of life that may be deemed “chemistry”, if done in God’s way, is a pursuit to find the person that God intends to fill your gaps. We have a distorted way of finding a mate. God chooses partners for us based on weakness (hence why they’re called partners), we choose relationships based on strengths. What we call chemistry is often times a bad grading scale for a relationship or partnership the way it should be, thus proving why 50% of marriages end in divorce.
See we grow up building relationships, male & female, based on common interests or our strengths (the things we like, the things we’re good at, etc.) We only “hang out” with those or “date” those that we have things in common with. And when it comes to dating, we deem that “chemistry.” So we spend our lives searching for the ones that we “click” with in the wrong way, based on strengths.
God is trying to fulfill a plan in each person’s life, but He never intended that we do it alone, He intended a “help mate.” A help mate is someone that should complete you & give you the ability to pursue & possess the plans God has for you. If we constantly build relationships, especially with a life help mate, on strengths, we’ll have gaps in our life that never get filled & thus don’t enable us to possess the full promise & plan intended for our life. So your partner should be a “gap filler.” Where you have weaknesses, they have strengths & vice versa. If we’re constantly looking for “chemistry” or “strengths” we do ourselves an incredible disservice & God gives us the free will to do that. If we allow God to build our relationships, He’ll prepare somebody for us that maybe isn’t so much like us or even somebody that we originally would have picked for ourselves, why? Bc we have the wrong grading scale. He’s trying to complete us…..while we’re just trying to feel good.
Therefore, I know from the jump whether I’m attracted to somebody or not, but the person that completes me, may be abrasive to me at times because we’re different. And if we don’t realize love is a choice & not a feeling, we’ll throw our relationships away when times are rough & we’re getting rubbed the wrong way….when things don’t “feel” good or right. But it’s in those moments where I choose to love & stand strong. It’s really in the rough moments that you find out about love, bc you always “feel good” in the good moments. Love isn’t real until it’s hard.
The best example I can give is the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ told me I’m to love my wife as Christ loved the church. His love for us wasn’t based on a feeling, but on a choice & a commitment. Had it been based on a feeling, I’d be a lost son of a gun. Because He would have given up a long time ago. In the Garden, He prayed earnestly for God to not make Him go through the punishment He was about to endure, He didn’t “feel” like going to the cross….but He chose to, because He loved you & I. “….nevertheless, not my will, but Your will be done…”
God’s relationship with me, fills my gaps. “Where I am weak, He is strong….” Notice, even Christ, when assembling a group of partners, didn’t choose 12 carpenters, yet some fisherman, some tax collectors, etc. He selected 12 men of different make-ups to fulfill a purpose to carry out the Gospel and because that plan was assembled correctly, 2,00o years later, you and I can be introduced to Christ.
Allow God to train you in love, in relationships; allow God to train your children to love and prepare them for relationships, not Hollywood. If you’re struggling with being “in” & “out” of love, realize that love hasn’t escaped you…if you choose not to let it. Your feelings may be “in” and “out” but love remains. If you feel like giving up on your relationships, look past the feeling and choose to stand firm….it’s likely you’re just finding out what love is about. You can make it, you can do it and there is a plan for you to succeed. Your struggle isn’t in becoming a love-maker, but a decision-maker. Because love is a choice. Just remember, Christ had a choice too when He didn’t feel like going through it. But He looked in that “cup” and saw you. In that moment, He made a decision…and in that moment the battle that would be fought at Golgotha, was already won.